November is always a terrible month for me. I always seem to be down, but this year things are a bit different. I am running again. But this time its a bit different. now it's like I'm trapped in my skull, and my body is simply a mode of transport for my head.
I am changing so much, I don't even know what day it is...

Things are spinning in my head, shifting, changing, and I'm really scared that some elements of my life are going to be in the wrong places. My family almost knows my secret, and when they find out, I'm toast.

But my own self doesn't seem to matter anymore. Who am I? What does it matter? I'm feeling so insignificant, and I am really scared that I might just slip from everyones mind one day, and turn into a person who is not a person. I'm rambling now, I'm sorry.

My real mother, Viva, is dying of venereal cancer. It's tearing me apart. She contracted it some time ago, and I don't fucking know what to think!! I want her to know that I forgive her before she dies, but I don't want her to die, I want her to be here, with me, deep down underneath it all, despite what has happened, and I don't care if it kills me, if it breaks my heart I swear I will never ever use that word, mother, again. I cried for four hours straight when I heard, and no one could talk to me until today. No one knows. no one else cares about her, they think the choices one makes defines a person, but what about those who never get to make a choice for themselves? Are they to blame in the end?

If you dont hear from me, I probably left town. I need to get some shit straight.